Deep down...

Self esteem is a delicate thing. Most people take it for granted. For those of us who don't, it's most probably because we have had it torn down and abused. Some people think that self esteem is easy to be fixed. Some even believe it doesn't exist. Those people have never been so low that they have little or no self worth.

Self esteem. It can be thought of self appraisal, approval, and worth. I find it funny how self esteem is one’s own view of them self but most of the time it is brought to the surface by someone else's view of us. They say that you are your own worst critic. And although everyone has their criticisms towards themselves, some people are unfortunate enough to be acutely aware of themselves and their short comings every day of their lives. Sure, every woman wants to be skinnier, have nicer skin, and be more confident. But some women are so damaged that it haunts them. I guess I am one of them. I smile, I excel in many areas, and I have pretty good social life, but I also have a curse. I used to believe that the curse came from a magic spell cast upon me by a jealous friend, as a psychic once told me, but now I believe that my curse comes from within. My curse is my worth, or lack thereof.

Some years ago I was involved with someone who hurt me a lot. I loved him with all that I had and gave him everything I had. And although I don't have hard feelings for him today, I suffer daily. I don't suffer because I'm heartbroken. Thankfully that pain is gone. But I do suffer because I live in a constant remembrance that someone cared so little for me that they could hurt me as badly as they did and watch me go down such a slippery slope. Words that were spoken, betrayal so easily committed, looks that were given, disregard for pure love and dedication; those things stay with me. I suffer so much that it impacts my life, my relationships with friends, romantic relationships, family ties, work, my health, even my energy. I suffer. And no one seems to understand. Sometimes I wonder if he could ever really understand the depth and severity of what has happened to me as a person. I wonder if he knew what was happening to me every time he called me a name, lied to me, disappeared with another woman, or tossed me aside before picking me up again. I cried every day for over 2 years. And all I ever wanted was to be loved in the same way that I loved. To this day I'm haunted by paranoia.

But this entry is not about him. Its about my struggle to overcome the pain I harbor and the feelings of worthlessness that consume me. I imagine betrayal happening to me every day, and when I sleep at night, I dream it. Upon the advice of many, I seek out God, turn to positive thinking, put out good energy, and I try to change my thinking. But it’s harder than you may think. There is no magic wand. And it’s a struggle of a different kind than any I have dealt with before. It’s a struggle in my mind. I fight myself and battle with my inner demons. Do I belong in an asylum? Among those who read this, only the ones who are truly close to me will understand what I am trying to explain. If you know me, you have recognized in me the insecurities I face. I know because you tell me, friends. You point them out. And I appreciate it, although I cannot readily change it. If you don’t know me from the inside, this posting may confuse you and you may think it strange.

In any case, I guess what I want to say (very ineloquently, I must say) to everyone out there is that I’m on a journey…within myself, and all I can hope for is that you bear with me. Sometimes my actions will display insecurities. Please don’t mistake them for immaturities. And one day I hope to emerge a much better person full of confidence and comfort in my own skin. But until then, I just pray for understanding and strength.